AAAAH NUTS!

I hate all nuts. I always have. Almonds, cashews, pecans, macadamia nuts, coconuts… and the dreaded walnut! Not that I specifically hate their taste, or even their texture—but the combination thereof is something unbearably gross.

When I was growing up my mom would relentlessly include some sort of nut in her baking. Imagine my dismay when, after abiding in the heavenly aroma of cookies or cake for a good hour or two, I would excitedly run into the kitchen to sneak my first delectable morsel of sweet goodness only to discover that it was tainted—defiled—with that unspeakable substance. It would be like Superman finally scoring a hot date with Lois Lane, only to learn that she had a prosthetic arm made out of kryptonite!

I would invariably complain, “Mom, why did you ruin it with nuts?!”

“Your dad likes nuts.”

Stupid dad…

My theory is that nuts should be banned from all dessert recipes. Why? Because, although some people do prefer nuts, I am aware of no one who will absolutely abstain from a treat if it lacks them. People who enjoy nuts in their cookies still enjoy cookies without them. But for those of us who hate nuts, it’s quite a different story.

…And then, to add insult to injury, my mom would occasionally try to hide the presence of the nuts by chopping them up into irregularly small pieces. But a true nut-hater cannot easily be fooled! “You can’t taste them,” she’d object, as if she knew what I could and could not taste. (I’m currently undergoing rigorous counseling due to bitterness toward my mother over this issue.)

My grandma understood, however. She’d never dream of putting a single nut in her cookies or cake (unless it was made especially for my dad). I think it’s because my grandpa used to hate nuts and she understood, to some degree, the turmoil that a nut-hater can experience. God bless my grandma!

I enjoy peanuts, however. I was never able to understand why peanuts were the only nuts I liked, until a good friend explained to me that peanuts are not actually nuts—they are legumes, which means they’re closer related to beans. It makes sense. I hate all nuts.

A GENTLEMAN DOES NOT PUT THE SEAT DOWN!

Why do women insist that men put down the toilet seat after they are finished? It doesn’t make sense! I have a sister and a mom, and, growing up, I can recall this screeching phrase emanating through the bathroom walls: “Who left the toilet seat up?!” I could imagine their unfortunate scenario; but why would you sit down on any surface, let alone a toilet, without first looking?

I do! Before sitting on a chair, I look down to make sure there is not a cat or a platter of food or another person. Before sitting on a park-bench I check for spilt coffee, bird poop or vagrants. And before sitting bare-butt on a toilet—potentially the most unsanitary seat possible—you’d better believe that I look. So, if the reason that women prefer men to put down the seat is so that they don’t sit on the rim or fall in, then they have a greater issue to deal with—one of hygiene and rationality.

The argument persists that the gentlemanly thing to do is to put down the toilet seat after urinating. But why? I think the realm of chivalry and gentlemanliness should certainly cease at the bathroom door!

And it’s far more sanitary for everyone if each person—male or female—adjusts the seat according to his or her preference. Think about it! If every male put the toilet seat down after peeing, there would be quite a bit of unnecessary contact with that bacteria-ridden surface. Because the next person to follow him could well be another male, who would then be forced to lift up the seat, and, for the sake of being a gentleman, put it back down again. If everyone dealt with the seat as he needed, and then left it that way after he was finished, there would be a minimum amount of contact with it. That means less disease being spread.

It is therefore gentlemanly to not put the toilet seat down… that is if a man is concerned about the health of the community, including his mother and wife and sister and daughter and friend.